One of the things that happens as we get older in life, as we settle into our domestic routines, or as we get more comfortable doing certain things, is that we stop focusing on why we’re doing them and we simply do them. Sometimes, when it comes to tying your shoes or locking your front door, it’s great that you’re on autopilot! But when it comes to loving somebody, it’s not so great to settle into doing the same thing over and over again, to stop being mindful, and to lose sight of what we’re doing or why we’re truly doing it.
I believe one of the biggest things good lovers do – and, you’ll notice, new lovers do! – is that they are loving with intention. They are paying attention to what they’re doing. They’re kissing someone out of genuine excitement. They’re using their words, their touches, their actions, and their expressions to clearly relay to someone else how they’re feeling. They’re not just simply walking by someone, kissing them on the cheek, and walking out the door absentmindedly. They’re not rubbing someone’s back while thinking about their problems at work.
When we’re excited and nurturing a newfound connection, we’re very intentional about what we’re doing. When we’re rubbing somebody’s shoulders, we’re thinking of the love that we’re feeling. We’re feeling our love from our heart, and it’s getting transmitted through our body, through our arm, through our hand, and it’s coming out as love upon that person’s skin. That’s the difference between having someone you love rubbing your shoulders, and going out and paying for a massage, where professionals are transmitting their own version of helpfulness via touch but are not necessarily giving that personal emotional connection to you.
So, I recommend that you take a moment now to slow down and think about the person you love. In the morning, wake up and give yourself affirmation for who you are – because you need to be loving yourself intentionally, daily, regularly, too! – then give affirmation to the ones around you that you love the most. Then, when you see that person in the morning and you give them a good morning kiss, make it an “it’s a good morning because I get to see you!” kiss, not a “good morning, you’re part of the furniture, let me flip on the coffee machine” kiss out of muscle memory. Make your actions count. Make them meaningful and make sure the feelings you have within you for the people you love are coming out through all the tools you have – your voice, your expression, your touch, your actions.
If we love intentionally, it makes it more rewarding for the person receiving our love, and it makes it more affirming for us giving the love.
💟 Today’s homework:
Practice mindful intimacy with your partner today, and say it with a kiss! Think about how you would communicate different sentiments – “I love you,” “I’ll miss you,” “I’m sorry,” “I’m yours,” “You’re mine” – only via kissing. Try out each one with your partner and see if they can guess what you wanted to convey.
